


Touching and Touched

by Ladyhawk_lhflu



Series: The Bond [4]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-23
Updated: 2015-02-23
Packaged: 2018-03-13 05:44:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3369983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladyhawk_lhflu/pseuds/Ladyhawk_lhflu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The younger Kirk faces his bond with Spock, and finds himself in a position he never expected to be in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Touching and Touched

**Author's Note:**

> This is the last story in this series. It needed a bit of editing. Oddly enough, the one who sounds the most like me was the one I had the most trouble with. But here it is. Enjoy.

\----------

Hey, JT, do you have a minute? Or a few hours to spare for your 'little brother'?

Yeah, I'd like to talk to you. We need to discuss Spock, my Spock.

Okay, okay, I know. Yeah, I have a lot of explaining to do. That's why I want to talk to you. It's been a few months since we brought you here and you've had some time to settle in. I figured now was a good time to clear some things up.

Trust me, you want to hear what I have to say. I promise that I will tell the truth and only the truth. I owe that to you and Savid, for all that you've done for us. But I have to do this in my own way, okay? I need to sort it out in my own head, so listening may be awkward for you. I might even need to say the things that you did...just to get it straight in my head.

But if you'll bear with me, I'll make sure you hear all of it. I don't want any more misunderstandings. Because my whole relationship with Spock seemed to be one huge misunderstanding after another. 

So let me start at where things began to get strange.

The catalyst was as simple and as complex as the two of us. To me, it was just a touch. To Spock, well, it was a glimpse into the future.

It happened the day before we met you. We were here, on New Vulcan, helping out with the computer and security grid installations. It was around dinner time. I was over by the Hall of Elders waiting for McCoy when I saw Spock come flying out of Sarek's house, looking like he had been punched in the gut. 

Yeah, something was bugging him. I was still adjusting to my Vulcan, but even I could read the pain on his face. And it was enough to make me cringe. It took all I had to stop myself from grabbing him and demanding to know what was wrong.

He was definitely distracted. He was about to walk past me with that march he does that screams 'don't mess with me, I have someplace to be.'

But I couldn't leave him alone. We had actually begun to make progress in our relationship. I wasn't about to screw it up by ignoring him now.

I'm sure Savid told you that Spock and I hated each other when we first met. And I do mean *hated*. He was the one who devised our Kobayashi Maru. 

Yeah, I cheated on it too. 

So early in our relationship, or lack thereof, Spock despised me for fucking with his precious test. In return, I hated him for not seeing the brilliance behind my solution to the damned thing. 

Yeah, your Spock told me he wasn't involved in that test until much later. I seem to have the early-achiever version of your bondmate. And boy, did his holier-than-thou attitude rattle my chains for awhile.

But by the time you showed up, we had come to an understanding. Without saying it, we agreed that if I began to act like a captain, he would stop criticising me for all the illogical things I did. That was our groundwork for a friendship.

So when I saw him stomping out of Sarek's front door, I knew I had to find out what was wrong before he tried to do his 'suffering in silence' act. Yeah, they're both just as stubborn as we are. I figured that out a long time ago. So, in the interest of helping him, I stepped into his path.

Spock stopped in his tracks when he saw me. So I asked where he was heading. He told me that he needed to go to the Hall of Elders to get help with some personal problem. I only learned from Uhura a bit later the details of said problem. She put it this way: 'If it wasn't for the fact that Spock couldn't bond with me, you wouldn't have had a chance in hell.' 

Of course, I didn't know how much Spock was hurting at the time, but I could tell *something* was wrong. So I did what I had begun doing about a month back when I needed to calm my first officer. I disobeyed all rules of conduct with Vulcans, moved into his personal space, and patted him on the shoulder. Strangely enough, it usually worked to bring back that composure that he wears like a cloak.

This time, though, it caused sparks to fly between us. No, not literally, but it was close. My hand actually hurt after it touched his shoulder. It was weird. My palm stung like a bitch but I wanted to put it back there, immediately. Yeah, psychic energy can really screw with your head.

But since he was already going to get help for his problem, I didn't really have an excuse to keep him with me. And I had other responsibilities to contend with. So I let him go and headed towards McCoy, who was now standing outside the hospital.

Did I know what happened? Well, I wasn't completely in the dark, but I didn't realize it was going to change my life. 

I had talked Savid earlier that day. I think he knew that Spock's reactions to me might be more violent than Savid's were to you. Maybe it was because of that mind meld we had when we first met. That is where I got my first look at you and your relationship with Savid. What? Oh, hell, I blocked it out, of course. Faced with one Spock that loved me and one that hated me, what else could I do?

But as I was saying, by the time you arrived, Spock and I were no longer enemies. According to Savid, our universe was continuing the 'corrections' to put us back on track with your universe. 

Oh, that's his explanation as to why I'm captain five years before you and why I have a 17-year-old Russian kid running around my bridge. Savid thinks all the correcting started when he arrived. No, I don't know why it took so long. Do I look like Spock to you?

Can we get back to the real subject? Okay. 

Savid thought I needed to know the basics about how Vulcans marry. You filled in the rest when we took you to the conference room the next day. No, he didn't say anything about pon farr. He just mentioned the bond.

At the time, I thought Savid had seen Uhura with Spock and just wanted to warn me that they might be linked. So of course, I didn't press your bondmate for more details, even though I probably should have. I knew about the taboo that kept Vulcans from talking about their relationships. And Savid was so awe-inspiring that I didn't feel the need to play with that rule.

But when I touched Spock that afternoon, well, my perceptions were altered. I didn't remember your marriage yet. But I had this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach that my life was about to change, and that Savid had known it was going to happen.

I ran into Spock later that night. Thanks to whatever happened in the Hall of Elders, he was looking much more relaxed. 

I was having a drink with Scotty and Bones out in the volunteers' rest area when I spotted him walking towards us. We both know Spock isn't a socializer, so when he asked to play chess with me, I jumped on the chance. I really did want to be friends with him, and if he was going to meet me halfway, I was going to do everything I could to encourage him. 

So we played. None of the crew knew about my skills at chess, not even Bones. It must have been Savid who clued him in. I never sat still long enough at the Academy for anyone to find out how good I was. But I had no problem sitting still for hours with him.

You can imagine what we talked about. By the look on your face, I'd say you had similar conversations hundreds of times. But that was the first time we let all the barriers between us fall, and it was electrifying. I was so taken by my first officer that I could have stayed there until the Enterprise called us to beam up and get ready for our next journey.

But around 0500, Spock seemed to get restless. He looked like he had a big decision to make and he was struggling with it. Yeah, I know, that's exactly what was happening. Sometimes my accuracy surprises even me.

But I could see he didn't want to talk about it, at least not yet. So I feigned exhaustion and shooed him off to his meditation mat. When he left, I thought we were well on our way to being friends. There hadn't been a snarky word between us the whole time we were at the chess board. Trust me, that was an accomplishment. I went to bed content with the progress we had made.

I felt good about what was happening between us. I knew I could feel a vibe growing between us. I guess it was the bond trying to form, but it felt like we were two magnets attracting each other. 

But it wasn't all good. The feeling was distracting, and it was starting to scare me. The only person I had been really attached to up to that point was Bones. An attachment to Spock was enough to have me thinking of running back to Mom's house and hiding, even though it would mean going back to that asshole Frank.

You don't know about Frank? Trust me, you don't want to know. Let's just say Mom was lonely after Dad died, but her taste in men had plummeted after his death. The guy made me wonder why anyone would want a long-term commitment. He had gotten under my skin badly.

Yeah, I know all about Dad and his nobility and sacrifice. Part of me did want what he had with Mom. The rest of me, though, knew I was so screwed up that nobody in their right mind would want me for more than a night. I had spent so much time before the Academy getting drunk in bars and getting my ass kicked that I figured to a Vulcan man who was eyeing me as a potential mate, I was bad news.

But I wasn't thinking about mates when I invited Spock to lunch the morning of your arrival. I couldn't figure out what was happening between us...friendship, sexual attraction...it could have been hate for all I knew. But I certainly was *not* thinking of having my brain hardwired to his.

But fate had worked against me from the very beginning. Those hormone surges had already started by the time I asked him to meet me for lunch. If I hadn't been so busy hiding my head in the proverbial sand, I would have known something was up.

But I was an idiot. Although I was worried about Spock--he so rarely takes a wrong step, let alone stumbles--I was too caught up in my own head to see what was happening to his. 

Then you arrived. Most people would think your presence in our universe would help me get my head out of my ass. Here I had a fine example, of myself, in a good relationship and retired from a successful career. It should have spurred me to clean up my act in a hurry.

But hell, we both know how logical humans are. Your appearance just seemed to encourage me to dig myself a deeper hole and to start dragging Spock down into it.

\-----------  
end part 1  
\-----------

Before you get all bent out of shape about what happened next, you need to understand one thing: although I had seen Savid's feelings for you when we melded, it wasn't until I saw you that I put it all together and realized the two of you were *married*.

It was a hell of a shock. Up to that point, friendship with my first officer still seemed a far-fetched dream. Marriage? Not a chance.

But when Spock called the two of you bondmates, I suddenly found myself thinking of far-fetched possibilities that scared the shit out of me. Why? Because this thing between my first officer and me was moving faster than Scotty's engines. 

Spock and I were barely friends and yet I could see myself with him forever. Forever with one person seemed like a prison sentence at the time. I didn't have Dad to show me the way. All I knew of 'forever' was Frank. Not exactly stellar material.

So when you beamed aboard and started talking about Spock having to choose between marriage and death, I stupidly tried to avoid the situation. 

I realize I should have known better. But you didn't go through my past. It was hell. It was so bad that I'm still trying to sort it out.

It's not that I wasn't concerned for him. He *is* my first officer and a damned good teacher. I knew I had to learn the ropes from someone. So, I watched every move Spock made for awhile. The only reason I stopped was because he asked me if I was trying to find a reason to transfer him. 

Yeah, after that bump in the road, we started concentrating on really making the command chain work. I owe Pike one for petitioning the higher-ups to give me time to get my act together. It took a month for Spock and me to quit glaring at each other. He was afraid I'd screw up. I was afraid he'd stab me in the back *when* I screwed up.

But by the time you and I had that talk in the briefing room, I found out that I liked the bastard. We had more in common then we realized. I didn't want to admit it yet, but part of me knew there were a lot more chess boards in my future. So your pronouncement, your...ultimatum about Spock's fate chilled me. 

The attraction between us had always been there in some form, I guess. But I had ignored it because I knew that I was in over my head when it came to my first officer. He was noble, selfless, competent. All the things my Dad had been, but that I wasn't. 

My feelings about Spock made me rather jumpy. So when you told me that he would have to bond with me...well, you saw how bad my reaction was. You had every right to call me a fool after he left the briefing room. Hell, if it wasn't for your swift kick to my ass, we would be having a very different conversation right now.

But my thoughts were focused on myself when I shot my mouth off. 'You've got to be kidding me! I'm supposed to let my body and mind be invaded because he broke up with his girlfriend?! Isn't this against regulations?'

Your expression told me you knew exactly what I thought about Starfleet regulations. 'You need to get your head on straight. This is his life on the line here!'

'If I do this, it'll change mine too! Can't we find him someone else? Another Vulcan? A Deltan?' Yeah, I know I sounded about five when I started whining. The only excuse I have is that I was scared. 

Your glare would have made Klingons squeamish. 'There's a compatibility issue here. You'd see that if you would pull your head out of your ass long enough to notice. He's made his choice. You're lucky he was willing to talk about it. Savid said he had considered death if T'Pring--or I--hadn't come to the Kal-i-fee. Like your Spock, Savid knew who his real choice was. He just wasn't willing to admit it. 

'Your Spock gave himself a fighting chance by telling you who he needs. And you reject his honesty like this? Take a good look at what you're doing here. Because I guarantee you will have his blood on your hands if you don't bond with him.'

Did you see my hands shaking after your tirade? You knew how to hit where it hurt the most, even though you were actually forcing me to remember a situation you never experienced.

You found the one thing I blamed myself for, but could never fix: Dad's death. Frank always told me that if it wasn't for me, my dad would still be alive. I already had blood on my hands, at least in my mind. I didn't need any more.

'All right, all right! I'll do it.' I crossed my arms to try to hide my hands, but then my body started shaking, so I paced in front of you. 'What do I have to do?'

Your smirk had me seeing red for a moment, but I shook it off by the time you replied, 'The one thing we both know you're good at. Have sex with him.'

'He's a Vulcan. Given the secrecy of their sex lives, I wouldn't be surprised if they had two sets of genitalia.' I tried to show you that I had digested my IDIC lessons, but we both knew what I was thinking.

So I was relieved when you just laughed. 'They have a few anatomical differences, but they're minor. It's no different than adapting to...what was her name, the Orion?'

'Gallia.' I grinned. I relaxed a little at the reminder that we shared some things.

You nodded. 'If you can handle her, this should be easy.'

I sighed as I paced some more. I knew how to respond to a being who always had sex on her mind. My prudish first officer, he was going to be a challenge. 'How rough will it be?'

'Treat him like a stallion going after a mare and you should be fine.'

I snorted. 'I've never thought of myself as a mare before.'

My sanity seemed to click back into place as I heard you chuckle. 'You'll be fine, kid. Just make sure you treat him with respect. Stop the bull you were trying to pull in here. His time bothers him enough as it is.'

I nodded thoughtfully, then turned to a few important details I needed to consider. 'What about other necessities? Food, drink, that sort of thing?'

'He knows to get enough supplies for you for a few days. He won't be able to eat, but if you can get any water into him, it'll help his recovery afterwards. McCoy will thank you.'

'After he kills me for not telling him about this before it happens.' I ran my fingers through my hair.

'I'll handle him. You make sure Spock survives.'

I sighed as you stood and waved me out the door. I couldn't help but feel like I was going to my doom as we walked the few meters to the rec room.

When I stepped into the room, the first thing I saw was Spock's gaze. I swore I could see the madness in him, the drive that was making him lose control.

But I couldn't look away. His magnet was pulling at mine again. The expression in his eyes was demanding an explanation for the fiasco in the briefing toom. So I tried to speak. 'I, uh...'

You interrupted me before I could think of anything to say. When you reminded me why I was there, a shudder ran through me. Hell, that lock sliding into place sounded like a torpedo blast.

After you left, I found my composure by pacing the room a couple times. But when I finally faced my companion, I couldn't look Spock in the eye as I apologized. By that time, my conscience was whipping me for being so rude to him.

I didn't start to calm down until I realized he was just as nervous as I was. But then the guilt in his eyes began tearing me to shreds. So to make it easier on both of us, I sat on the exercise mat. I figured if I didn't look like I was commanding him, he'd be able to tell me what he needed.

Given the Vulcan attitude toward sex, though, I should have known he didn't have a clue. How could such a forward-thinking race skip over sex-ed? At that moment, I was glad I was the one in that room with him. I didn't want him dying of ignorance.

Once I realized he needed some instruction, I took matters into my own hands and kissed him. He responded with enthusiasm, more enthusiasm than I thought he had in him. Once he started kissing me back, I thought we were well on our way to taking care of his problem. 

But then the bastard became demanding. Maybe it was those hormone surges, because he started getting snarky. He sounded like a human woman during PMS. So I backed off, quickly. 

Not knowing what else to do, I let him analyze the situation. That's what Vulcans do best, so I figured it would help him calm down. It did...and it didn't.

When his fears started popping up, I tried to listen. I should have listened better, I know, but all I could focus on was the part that he'd rather be dead than ruin the budding...whatever it was between us. The best advice I could give him was that death was hell on relationships. That little observation seemed to do for the moment. It was a good thing it did.

Because that's when his biology took over.

I was ready to just lie beneath him and let him do whatever his body drove him to do. I had figured that it would hurt less that way. So you can imagine my shock when I found myself reaching for Spock and pulling at his clothes as if I was starved and he was a steak dinner. My head swam. It felt like those damned hormones were flowing through me.

You didn't have that reaction? What was different? Oh, right. Your bond was already complete. Spock said Savid had already been pretty messed up by the time you went to that ceremony. Well, you missed a wild ride when your bond just snapped into place like that.

Lying there under him, I could feel his arousal as if it were my own. It controlled both of us. Its commands made me so hot that I didn't even bother trying to resist it. I just let it lead me into Spock's body and mind. And I began to understand what Vulcans mean when they say pon farr makes them burn.

I was surprised to find I wasn't ashes when we came up for air a few hours later. Yeah, he just stopped. He said he felt me get hungry. I was kind of shocked myself. But it was nice. I got some water into him, like you requested, and we were able to talk for a bit while I took care of my needs.

And then a few minutes later, just like that, the switch flipped the other way and we were at it again.

Oh, no, nothing bad happened in that room. That's not why Spock came looking for you the day we came out. It was me. I didn't know how to handle what had happened. I couldn't deal with feeling him in my head like that.

No, he didn't hurt me through the bond. In fact, it was comforting in a way. 

But I was afraid to let it stay in my head, because I was afraid he'd hate me again when he found out how screwed up I was.

\-----------  
end part 2  
\-----------

I didn't understanding what a Vulcan bond was, not completely, until we left that rec room. 

While we were in there, Spock had used the bond to perform the psy equivalent of parlor tricks. He demonstrated his ability to read me a couple times. He analyzed the wounds he was leaving on my skin. He even told me stories about how Savid had used your bond as a leash. 

But honestly, I didn't understand the change in us, the 'we' instead of 'I', until we walked out the door and into Bones' sickbay. You could have told me about it until you turned blue. I wouldn't have understood a word until I felt those first Surak mantras run through my mind.

Of course, I felt Spock in my head the whole time we were together in the rec room, but it was vague, unfocused. At that point, his main purpose in using the bond was to check on me. Every time we came up for air, he made a show of telling me how many scratches he had put on my back. 

So is it any wonder the bond didn't mean much to me then? The echoes I felt through it just seemed to complement the feeling of Spock plastered to my physical body. It gave me no sign that it was more than a weak comm unit.

But walking toward sickbay, I started to feel the bond in its entirety. It was a fragile thing, like an old-fashioned shoestring. But I could feel it growing, even as we entered the turbolift. It was branching, reaching into my memories, my thoughts, my soul. Although I could only feel Spock's side vaguely, I imagined the connection was also pulling his essence into itself. It was pulling from us so quickly and so strongly that soon, I was sure, there would be no privacy between us. 

So I started poking at the bond as soon as Bones came to the door to greet us. I couldn't help it. It was like scratching at an insect bite. It wasn't until I saw Spock flinch as he sat up on an exam table that I stopped. His flinching made me feel guilty. I didn't want to hurt him.

But I didn't want him in my head either.

I didn't say anything to Bones about the bond. I wasn't up to informing our CMO of our new status. I was too busy trying to figure out how to get my privacy back without hurting my new bondmate.

Since you were still aboard the ship and Bones was bitching to high heaven about mating cycles, I figured I didn't have to. I assumed that you had talked to him about the bond. You filled him in well enough about the other aspects of pon farr, if his blush was anything to go by. 

So I saw no reason to embarrass Spock by bringing our mental condition up to McCoy. It wouldn't have helped the situation. There was nothing Bones could have done.

I let McCoy push me around for the few minutes it took to heal the scratches Spock left on me. Then I hurried out of sickbay. Because even though I didn't like the feeling in my head, I found myself mentally reaching towards my first officer. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to drag him back to my quarters and hold him.

For the guy who slept with half the cadets in Starfleet Academy, that's a terrifying thought. I don't cuddle. I don't handle anyone gently. I take what I want and leave. But I couldn't leave Spock. It was physically impossible, given our positions on the ship. And it was becoming less likely by the minute that I'd be able to pull away from him mentally.

So I tried even harder to block him out of my head. That's easier said than done when he took up residence there. So, of course, like the fuck-up that I am, I ended up hurting him.

No, I didn't like doing that. I went through the whole mating ritual with him so he could remain with us, healthy...and whatever the Vulcan equivalent of 'happy' is. But when I felt him start becoming a part of me, I panicked.

Spock couldn't remain in my mind, not if I wanted him to stay with me. I'd just drag him down with me when I came to my spectacular, or humiliating, end. And I knew it was coming. It was just a matter of time.

So I started pulling at the bond. No, I don't really know what I was trying to accomplish. I knew I couldn't pull him out of my head just by yanking on the rope that held us together. I was just reacting to his presence in my mind.

But I couldn't stop my abuse, not even when he asked me to. I kept tugging and pulling, trying to dislodge the bond. But all I did was get on Spock's nerves. It didn't take long until I felt him flinch in pain again.

I had to stop then, at least for a moment. The bond had me feeling his pain as if it were my own. But I was back at it a minute later. Having him in my head was just too distracting. His presence kept reminding me of what we had been doing the last four days. Of course, the bridge wasn't the best place to indulge those memories. But I didn't know how to get them out of my head.

Spock almost had to yell at me to get me to stop messing with the damned thing. When I finally realized how distracted I was, I pulled him aside and demanded he do something to give me some privacy.

So, yeah, he shielded the bond. It was a relief when I no longer felt Spock inside me. I finally felt like I had some breathing room. And my bondmate...well he said that the shield wouldn't hurt him, so I figured it was safer for him if he wasn't bombarded by all my illogical thoughts.

Of course, Spock was lying to me as much as I was lying to myself. The shield could have destroyed everything. I didn't need Spock's genius to figure that out. All I needed to do was take a good look at his face when he slid the shield into place. He looked like he would have preferred a good beating. But I still let him do it. Now do you see how fucked-up I was?

Yeah, I knew he ran to you after I told him to close the bond. Hell, I would have done the same thing in his shoes. 

He did take your advice and tried to talk to me. But I couldn't discuss my link with him, not in the mess hall. The spot was too public. I didn't want the crew seeing how scared I was. 

Don't yell at me for giving him the cold shoulder! I thought a refusal would be easier for him to take when the bond was weak. Parts of it appeared transparent to me. I thought if I put a little stress on the link, it might just break on its own and Spock could go about his business as usual without having to deal with me.

I did go out of my way to stress it, I admit. My first attempt was when Spock checked on the bond during his conversation with you on the observation deck. I felt the bond open as I was talking to Bones in sickbay. I knew Spock was listening to me.

So that's when I chose to tell Bones that I felt bad for leading Spock on. I did, really. I actually let some of my warm feelings for my bondmate slip out for awhile. Then of course, I felt like I had to retract all of them when I went back to being the captain.

What I did to him was no different than that ruse I used when the cadets I dated got too close to me. You know, the one where you give them what they want when they're in front of you, but the minute their back is turned, you head for the hills. I know you've done it, too. I can see it on your face.

But I never wanted my first officer to get hurt by any of this. For God's sake, the reason I found myself in that situation was that I just couldn't handle the thought of Spock dying. So, of course, I did whatever I had to in order to save him. I'm glad I have that much of Dad's nobility. It's a shame that I somehow lost the rest.

All I did when I ignored Spock's questions, though, was make matters worse. 

Boy, did I screw up in the mess hall. I refused to talk to him about the bond when he sought me out. I made a date with a female ensign. And yes, later that day, I deliberately put myself in a suggestive position with Prefect Kitan of Delta IV. 

When I approached Kitan and suggested he could help me get the Vulcan off my back, he told me I was being naive. You know how Deltans are. They think humans have the sexual intelligence of a flea. He didn't like it when I told him that I was trying to stave off advances from my first officer. And yet, he loved the idea of getting a rise out of a Vulcan. What? People have been trying to do it since Archer met T'Pol. Hell, Bones has made a career of it!

Oh, afterwards I got a long lecture from the Prefect about relationships and how to correctly foster one, at least between Deltans. Too bad that didn't do me any good.

Nobody's advice seemed to be of much use. Not Kitan's, not yours, not even McCoy's. And to make matters worse, I was starting to come to the conclusion that if this 'infidelity' didn't cause the bond to break, whatever did result from it could really hurt Spock. 

All right, all right, I admit it! I did have some idea that the bond's demise might cause serious problems for us, but I was trying to ignore that voice in my head that sounded way too much like Bones. 

Still, I did so some research on my own. Contrary to the higher-ups' opinions, I do know how to use a computer for something other than getting into trouble. What I found in the archive Starfleet had from the VSA didn't look good. Everything pointed to the bond being a necessary part of a Vulcan's life after their first pon farr. But me and my attitude...I was sure I could find a way to separate us and keep Spock healthy.

But when we beamed down to New Vulcan after Spock handed you over to Savid, I began to have doubts about my choice. Well, he looked like he lost his pet sehlat. Oh, he must have seen your reunion with Savid. He must have realized your bond was in great shape if he caught you two kissing. That probably hurt him, especially when I had barely looked at him after we left the rec room.

I only saw him for a second in the town square before his father pulled me aside to discuss something. But what I saw should have been a warning sign. He looked devastated.

I already knew Spock was stubborn enough to not ask for help when he needed it. But I guess I should have studied his culture better before I bonded to him. Because I never considered suicide to be on the Vulcan list of 'logical' solutions to a problem.

\----------  
end part 3  
\----------

The whole thing didn't come crashing down overnight. If it had, I could have blamed something other than myself for what happened, even if it would have been a lie.

But of course, Spock broke down like a Vulcan. In other words, he did it methodically. His decline started with small things. A missed chess game here, a forgotten lunch date there. 

When they started, his mistakes seemed to relate directly to me, so I gave him some space. If I was the cause of his problem, I figured getting out of his way would help solve it.

But then Bones started to notice differences in him, too. These changes were harder to ignore. According to McCoy, Spock was acting very irritable. He was yelling at subordinates for things that he would have normally just pointed out a correction. 

It got to the point that Spock threatened an ensign with physical harm if she didn't vacate the rec room he wanted to use. 

I could ignore our personal problems. I could handle animosity between us. Abuse of the crew was another matter. So I confronted him after dinner one night as we were on our way to the Ferengi homeworld to negotiate a loan of latinum for the Vulcan colony.

I called him to my quarters at around 1900. I could see he knew what was coming from the second he walked in the door. He approached me stiffly, trying to avoid my gaze.

'Spock, we need to talk.' I said as non-threateningly as I could. His manner worried me. It wasn't like Spock to avoid anything.

'About what, Captain?' he asked formally. Part of me mourned the change in him. There was no sign of the being I had played chess with a couple weeks before.

'Bones told me you seemed bothered by something. He was concerned that you might be taking your emotions out on the crew.' I tried to step as lightly as I could over his feelings by not accusing him directly. I might not have wanted to acknowledge that I had something to do with this, but I wasn't about to make it worse by stomping all over him.

'I apologize, Captain. I am aware of the incident you are referring to. I assure you that it will not happen again.' His cold expression began to really bother me. We had been making progress with our relationship. But because of the choice I made, that progress appeared to be gone. I started to pace out of guilt.

My guilt drove me to a solution that I hoped would benefit both of us. 

'Look, we both know things have been tough for you since...well, since things changed between us.' I paused to take a deep breath. I really didn't want to do this, but I saw no other choice. So I struggled to continue. 'Maybe we need some time away from each other. You have some time you can take. We could drop you off in the colony and let you visit your father.'

'That...that would be acceptable.' He said softly. In that moment, he seemed like his old self, except for one thing: I heard him stumble through that sentence. That simple stutter should have been a red flag. He had never done that before.

But of course I was burying my head in the sand again. Humans are great at fooling themselves when they don't want to admit to something. I didn't want to admit I had caused the change in Spock.

So we dropped him off at the colony for his 'vacation'. Yeah, I know he never made it to Sarek's house. I found that out when we came back for him. I wish the Ambassador would have told me earlier. Because by the time we came back, it was almost too late to correct the collosal mistake that I had made.

Looking back, I'm sure I would have figured out Spock wasn't okay if I hadn't insisted on having the shield between us in the bond. If we had used the bond, we probably would have fought like dogs marking their territory, but that's what a relationship is sometimes about. We needed to figure out what we could do together and what we were better off doing alone. 

But I stopped that conversation before it even started. I forced Spock to take away the one thing that would have made me compromise. I stupidly thought that he'd be better off if he didn't have to deal with me.

I made excuses to myself about why Spock needed this break. And some of them were actually true. I could see the fatigue in him. Hell, we were all getting tired of the diplomatic bullshit. It was not a good time to be a Vulcan. You had to be willing to thank the people on the left for their gifts while pleading with the people on the right for things you still needed. Then you still had to find a currency to pay the group behind you so they stayed off your back. And while this was going on, each and every green-blooded being in the colony was trying to deal with a trauma none of the rest of us could really comprehend.

The colony had such intense underlying distress, but was in such denial about it, that even Ambassador Sarek was beginning to get short with people.

Oh, I know. Any of us would react in a similar way, but without the Vulcan restraint. By the time the Vulcans were showing signs of strain, we humans would have caused a war. 

Part of me knew I was being an idiot when it came to Spock. I'm lucky I didn't drown in the sewer water I stuck my head in to hide from the truth. It was bad enough that the truth was about to bite me in the ass.

I should have known something was wrong when our first officer went AWOL. Somehow, that week of vacation I gave Spock turned into a month. Normally, that wouldn't have bothered me, especially given what he had been through. He needed something to help him along. Hell, the guy just lost his planet. And then he found out that his bondmate wasn't all he cracked up to be. So I figured he just needed a little more time. 

I would have been able to convince myself that was all he need, too, if it wasn't for one thing: Uhura was starting to give me dirty looks.

I began to get the feeling that she knew something I didn't about our missing crew member. So one day I pulled her aside. 

As soon as I stopped her, I got straight to the point. 'Where the hell is he?' Of course, I didn't need to say who 'he' was. We both knew who I was talking about.

She tried denying any knowledge of Spock's whereabouts at first, but when I wouldn't let it go, she sighed. 'He told me he was considering becoming one of the Kohlinar.'

I looked at her critically. I had heard of the Kohlinar. I had even seen a few leave town as they headed for the mountains. So I had some idea of who she talking about. 

But I didn't want to contemplate what she was suggesting: that Spock was leaving us. 'Those monks? Well, that makes sense. He needs some time away from it all. It's been a rough couple of months.'

Your bondmate didn't tell me about the Kohlinar and their unemotional ways, or the pain he caused you when he tried to become one of them. It didn't come up on Delta Vega. We were more concerned with saving a few planets.

But if I would have known what happened to you two when Savid joined them...well, truthfully, I probably would have been completely insensitive and sent Spock to them a week earlier. I wanted the bond gone that badly.

When I sounded glib about Spock's choice, Uhura glared at me. I think the whole situation pissed her off. I can't say I blamed her. I took her precious man and treated him like shit. 'He went there to try to deal with you and that bond of yours, you...' She growled softly in her throat. 'You *child*.'

I glared back at her. I knew she was mad at me, but I wasn't about to take being insulted like that. 'I need my space. He knows that.'

'Didn't you see him when we left the colony? He was in pain!' With a huff of impatience, Uhura dragged me into a corner. 'If you don't quit hurting him, I'll find a way to make your life a living hell.'

'I'm not doing anything!' I growled. 'He told me shutting down the bond wouldn't hurt him.'

'He lied!' She looked like she was ready to punch me.

'Vulcans don't lie!' I said without thinking, then flinched as I saw her pull back her fist and aim it toward me.

But she restrained herself. Why, I don't know. 'You know better than that, *Captain*.' She spat. But she didn't touch me. Sometimes I wish she had. I deserved to be beaten for what I had done to Spock. I fucked up, and I knew it.

We both stood there for a few minutes, just staring at each other. Then I sighed. There was no point in continuing this argument with Uhura. We were both worried about him, with good reason. I held up my hands in surrender. 'We're headed back. I'll go look for him as soon as we're in orbit.'

It wasn't good enough for my communications officer. 'Try your head first. You *are* bonded to him.' With one final glare, Nyota turned on her heel and left. Damn, she knew where to dig into me.

But I knew she was right. The best place to start looking for Spock was in my own head. He was there. I only had to reach through the bond to find him. So I headed to my cabin and laid down on my bunk.

Closing my eyes, I tried to find that spot in my mind that I had avoided for the last three months. It wasn't easy, the shield hid it well. But after a bit of searching, I found it. 

I 'stood' in front of the bond then, looking at it. To my mind, it seemed weak, fragile. A cloth string compared to the titanium cable I had seen in Savid's head. I touched it carefully, trying to figure out how to use it to talk to Spock.

Then I 'turned' to get a better look at the thing and saw the shield in the middle of the bond. It was a shimmering, transparent barrier that reminded me of a brig forcefield. I pushed on it a little. It didn't give, but I felt it warm to my hand.

'Spock?' I called uncertainly. 'Spock, are you there?'

At first, nothing happened. The bond was still, quiet. Then slowly, images began to filter through the shield.

I could see the mountains of New Vulcan in Spock's first projection. They were majestic and tall, proud structures for a proud people. I struggled to refocus my attention as other images started to bombard me. I needed to pay attention to what my bondmate was trying to tell me. I owed him that much.

The next image I saw was a Vulcan in robes walking slowly up the mountain, his head bowed as if in prayer or meditation. One of the Kohlinar, I guessed.

Then, Spock's image reflected in a pool of water. He was wearing the same robes as the other Vulcan. His expression in the distorted reflection looked strained to me. The vacation didn't seem to be doing him much good. Of course, that added to my guilt.

That image then changed, darkened. Suddenly it appeared as if he..I was kneeling in a cave. I could no longer see his face, but I could see a hand stretched out towards me...him? In the hand was some kind of beaded necklace. As I watched, the hand opened and the necklace fell to the dirt floor in front of me.

Then we were back at the pool. Spock's image shimmered up at me again. He looked even worse than before, haggard and pale.

On its heels came the last image: pale green arms stretched out before me. In the hands attached to the arms was an ornate dagger, crusted with jewels. It was aimed toward my...*his* chest.

There was no more images after that one.

The last image must have broken the trance the bond had put me in, because once it entered my mind, I bolted up on my bunk with a gasp. 

Oh God, no. I knew what he was trying to tell me. I really screwed up this time. 

For a minute I couldn't think, I couldn't move. Then my instincts took over. I jumped off my bunk and ran out of my cabin.

I headed to the bridge as fast as I could. All I could think of was that jewelled dagger as I ran out of the turbolift and to Chekov's station to see how close we were to New Vulcan.

My heart raced as I realized we were still an hour away. Damn.

So I did the only thing I could. I hoped, for all our sakes, that the image he had sent me wasn't of the present.

Because if it was, we were all fucked.

\----------  
end part 4  
\----------

While I was impatiently waiting for Sulu to put the ship in orbit around New Vulcan, I did the one thing I should have done weeks earlier: I called Savid and told him about Spock's pon farr and the apparent weak condition of our bond.

I commed him from my quarters because I couldn't face the recriminations from my crewmates. But I knew I had to face Savid's. Because the fragile bond with Spock was my fault. I hadn't allowed the bond to send out those branches into our minds that it needed to strengthen itself. I was the one responsible for this mess, so I needed to be the one asking for help.

Savid sighed as he listened to me. Looking back, I suppose he was remembering his missteps with you and your bond. But at the time all I could see was that he was angry with me. 

I knew I couldn't beat around the bush with the old Vulcan, so I didn't even try to. 'I'm killing him.' I moaned softly at the screen. I had started getting physical symptoms of psychic stress about twenty minutes earlier. My hands started to tremble, my head began to ache. And I knew I wasn't imagining that I could actually feel the bond beginning to die. The branches that had made their way into my memories were starting to wither.

I held onto what I could, trying to keep the bond with me, trying to keep Spock with me. But I could feel the bond starting to splinter. I yelled out loud in frustration. Part of me was convinced that Spock was already dead. The weight of that thought dragged my heavy heart and head down upon my desk.

I could hear Savid tell Uhura to call for Bones, but I could barely raise my head. By this time, my whole body was shaking and I was getting cold sweats. I shivered and clutched my side, the side where Spock's heart would have been. 

A few minutes later, I felt McCoy shoot me with a stimulant. It helped a little. As soon as I could lift my head, I looked Savid straight in the eye.

'He is not dead yet.' Savid replied to my unspoken question, his eyes shining with empathy. 'But you do not have much time.'

'Where is he?!' I nearly shouted, letting my fear overwhelm me for the moment. I tried to stand up, to glare at the old Vulcan, but my knees wouldn't hold me up.

Bones pushed me down into my chair as Savid answered me. 'Jim...JT found him at the edge of the lake below Mount Surak. He went searching after Sarek came to us looking for Spock. Jim is with your bondmate now, but Spock is resisting aid.'

'For God's sake, why?!' I yelled. I reached towards the console with my fists. Bones pulled me back again and this time he restrained my arms. I tried to pull away, but my mind was so focused on Savid that nothing in my quarters felt real to me. Bones yelled something, but the words made no sense.

But I didn't have any problem understanding the old Vulcan. 'Spock swore the t'zaled, the blood oath, to you. He is determined to die to give you your freedom.' Savid sighed. 'I had advised him to not follow my path, but circumstances have thwarted my attempts to keep you both from repeating our mistakes.'

I know you heard me swear a blue streak as Savid patched your comm unit into our conversation. 'How would his dying give me freedom?'

'It would break the bond.' Savid said softly as I heard you yell that I needed to beam down *now*. Suddenly, I could feel the bond slipping forther away from me. I shouted again in panic.

As from far away, I heard you yell again, trying to get my attention. When I finally realized what you were trying to say, I broke free of McCoy's hold and ran to the transporter room with Chekov fast on my heels. For once, I was glad Uhura was monitoring my conversations. If she would have called for Kyle in engineering, who takes his time with EVERYTHING, Spock would have been dead before my feet hit the lake shore. 

I had Chekov transport me down as close to the lake as he could without putting me in it. It felt like I was trapped in that beam for an eternity, but finally New Vulcan started to take shape around me. As soon as I materialized, I could see you sitting on a small, flat embankment. A perfect place to kneel and gaze into the water, if one was so inclined.

But the images that thought provoked were pushed aside by the one that brought me here. I could see that jewelled dagger, the one from Spock's last image, at your feet. The green splotches on it brought a moan to my lips. The situation only got worse when I looked up into your face. I could see your cheeks shimmering like emeralds. I knew of only one mixture that could cause that effect on human skin: copper-based blood and water. Bile rose in my throat at the sight. I had to turn my head away before I choked on it.

Running to your side felt like it took forever. It was made worse by the fact that I could feel a big crack starting to form in the shield that had protected me from Spock's thoughts. I grabbed the barrier with mental hands, holding it in place. That shield seemed to be the only thing keeping the bond between us.

I skidded on my knees as I flew toward the spot where you had Spock cradled in your arms.

'Is he..?' I gasped, not able to say the word.

You only had time to shake your head before Bones came running to us with his med equipment, but it was enough to allow me to take my next breath.

Bones didn't waste any time pushing us out of the way to get to his patient. This, I expected. McCoy didn't fool around when it came to saving people's lives. But I was shocked when you pulled me up by my collar and thrust me onto the rock beside Spock's head.

'Sit there and for God's sake don't let go of the bond!' I didn't waste time questioning you. Your growl told me everything I needed to know. Spock could die if I lost my grip and allowed the bond to shatter.

So I held onto the shield between us as if it was my last link to my bondmate.

By the size of the cracks that were beginning to overtake the bond, I guessed it probably was.

\----------  
end part 5  
\----------

I sat on that rock and stared down into my bondmate's face. At first glance, he appeared serene, as if he had found some kind of peace in his choice to leave us. But when I studied him further, I began to see the signs of strain: yellow shadows under his eyes, an unnatural green flush to his cheeks. Signs that I had put there. My hands started shaking again as guilt overtook me.

My reaction made the shield inside our minds tremble. Not wanting to cause it any more strain, I froze. 'It's breaking. I can't stop it.' I whispered, hoping you could hear me. I was afraid to move or to speak any louder. If I did, I was sure the bond would crumble to dust.

I must have sat there for ten minutes before I felt certain the shield was stable enough to let me look around. I looked up at you, but I found no comfort in your eyes. You were just as worried as I was. So I went back to gazing at Spock's face.

'Does he know?' I heard Bones whisper a few minutes later. I looked up, startled, when he whispered it a second time.

'Does he know what?' My voice was soft. I was doing my best to not disturb the serenity around us, in case it made Spock take a turn for the worse.

'That you actually give a shit whether he lives or dies.' Bones was one of the few people I knew who could whip me with words hard enough to actually hurt. And boy, did I feel the sting now. 

The pain forced me to be honest. I shook my head. 'Probably not.'

'This might be a good time to tell him. You might not get another chance.' Bones caught my eye. I could see the worry on his face. Spock's prognosis wasn't good.

I shook my head, trying not to give into my fear, then looked past Bones as something caught my attention. I could see a stately figure in black robes behind him. Savid had arrived. 

I buried my face in my hands. I didn't want to face my bondmate's older self. How the hell was I supposed to explain the disaster I had created?

But to my horror, Savid walked straight to me. I braced myself for the punishment I knew was coming. So you can understand why I nearly fell over in shock when, instead of berating me, the old Vulcan laid a gentle hand on my hair. 'Listen to McCoy,' he said softly. 'He knows more than even he is aware of.'

I looked up into that wizened face. A small smile greeted and comforted me. 'Was it this bad for you?' I had picked up his memories of your near-death through our meld months ago.

'Worse.' Savid said gently. 'I had only McCoy's grandson to guide me when our bond began to fracture. Steven did what he could, but he was not privy to the information Leonard has.'

'In other words, Bones knows us too well to let us get away with any bullshit.' When I glanced at you, you were nodding. Your chuckle me let me know I had a chance of getting through this somehow. If you could laugh, then I hadn't created a no-win situation.

With that small hope in my heart, I looked down again at my bondmate. Bones' handiwork was beginning to make a difference. Spock's skin was now the shade of pale emeralds. The sickening yellow cast that I had seen beneath his eyes a few minutes ago was fading quickly. My spirits lightened a little more.

Since Bones was running most of his scans on Spock's chest and abdomen, I figured it was okay to touch his hair. I smoothed out the messed-up silky locks. It made me feel better to have Spock look more like...Spock.

'How is he?' I asked softly, still afraid to raise my voice. Spock needed peace, and I was done denying his needs. Hell, at that moment, he could have asked for my life as payment for this debacle. I would have shoved that damned dagger into my chest for him.

'He lost a lot of blood,' Bones replied just as quietly. 'The dagger went straight into his heart. Luckily, JT was able to get him into one of those damned healing trances by the time we got here. If he had lost any more blood, I'm not sure I could have done anything.'

I nodded, then shifted myself off the rock that you had perched me on and moved to sit in the dirt near Spock's head. My instincts told me to get closer to my bondmate, as close as I could without hurting him. 'Can I...' Looking to Bones, I motioned towards Spock's body. 'I need to feel him. The bond needs physical contact.'

McCoy nodded, and with your help, we were able to shift Spock so his head was laying on my thighs. 'Be careful. If he wakes up, don't let him make any sudden moves.' Bones said quietly as he took my place on the rock.

'Should we beam up instead?' I looked at your face, needing guidance. But Savid replied instead. 'Physically, he has begun to heal. And McCoy can continue his ministrations here without much difficulty. But the two of you need time to repair the bond. This is best done in some semblance of solitude.'

I saw you put your hand on Bones' shoulder as he was about to get up. 'Not that much solitude. They'll need you to help them come back to reality. Spock's not out of the woods yet.'

'What about you?' I raised my eyebrow in imitation of our better halves. Your chuckle pulled a grin from me. After the race down here and the panic I went through, anything that let me relax a little was welcome.

'We'll make sure you get the space you need. Don't worry, we'll be nearby in case things get out of hand. But this is your bond, not ours. You two need to find your own way.' The hand you laid on my shoulder before you walked away strengthened my courage. 

With a sigh on my lips, my eyes followed you as you and Savid walked toward a stone bench near the base of the mountain. I couldn't take look away from your joined hands until you sat down together to keep watch. Dragging my gaze back to my lap and the being that rested there, I realized I wanted what you had. But I had no idea how to get it.

Well, I might as well see what kind of shape the bond was in, I decided. We didn't have much chance of having anything if it couldn't be fixed. I closed my eyes and reached towards that spot in my mind where the shield separated me from Spock.

I entered that place with more than a little anxiety. The area looked like a war zone. As I looked around me, I could see pieces of the bond at my feet, glistening like shards of glass.

The shards turned to face me as I walked among them. Their resemblance to teeth told me that Spock still believed he had to defend the bond. That didn't bode well for me. Although his defense of the connection was encouraging, I was damned if I was going to fight him to regain my place in it. But then I remembered that here, shapes could change easily. Those shards were my mind's representations of the havoc I wrought. Maybe, just maybe, I could use turn them into something else and use them to rebuild what I had nearly destroyed.

At least that's what I hoped until I saw the extent of the damage. Turning my attention to the shield that had kept the bond suspended between me and Spock, I gasped. It had been cracking badly while we tried to stabilize Spock, but now it looked like there was a fist-sized hole punched through it as well.

I wanted to call to Spock at that point and ask him if there was any hope of repairing the bond, but I wasn't sure that was a good idea. The healing trance had been the only thing holding him together, if the blood all over you had been any indication. I didn't want to disturb his rest too soon.

So instead, I tried an exercise one of my academy teachers had shown us as a way to have some control over psy phenomena, even without being psychic yourself. The last time I had used it, I had been trying to seduce a female Betazoid. But I tried not to think about that as I turned my attention to the being who had been willing to take a chance on me, despite my reputation.

I created a scene around me. Because the broken shield was the only thing connecting me to my bondmate, I made it the center of my image. Then, I summoned sand under my feet, harsh sun shining in my face, winds whipping past me that were strong enough to strip skin off. In other words, I created an image of Vulcan. Of course that particular choice was meant to comfort the being that was present somewhere in this place. I could only hope that it was enough.

When I finished creating my landscape, I carefully gathered up the shield in my hands and moved it to the cave I created a small distance away. I expected carrying the shield would be easy, because I had always imagined it as thin glass plating. But when I hefted it, it felt heavy and strangely, much softer than glass.

I blinked, and the shape of the object in my hands changed. Instead of the cracked and broken shield, I now held an unconscious Spock in my arms. As I gazed into his relaxed face, I hoped I was doing the right thing. I was psy-null. I could screw this up badly without really knowing how I did it.

Psy-null doesn't mean much in a bond? How did you figure that out? Yeah, I guess you're right. I was able to make a shield too, later on. No, I didn't realize I was the one who punched the hole in Spock's shield earlier. I probably did that when I was trying to hold the bond together. I guess that explains why he trusted me through all this. 

So, shifting to accomodate his form, I cradled him in my arms. Carefully standing, I realized that if this were real space, I wouldn't be able to lift him this easily. But here, in this mental world, I could be, and was, the strong one. 

For a moment I wondered if he was testing me. Then, with a shrug, I continued with my task. He had every right to challenge me at this point. I had been far from supportive earlier. If I were in his shoes, I would have questioned my loyalties for at least a decade.

I carried Spock into the cave that I had created. Once there, I sat down and shifted him to lie in my arms. And then I just held him for awhile. It was a new experience for me, giving solace this way. In fact, I didn't normally comfort anyone. I had always expected the people around me to just adapt, to ignore any difficulties they had. That was how I coped with the problems in my life. I just figured that was the way everyone handled them.

So suffice it to say, I didn't get to hold Spock during the days we spent in the rec room together. Or to be more correct, I didn't want to. That step felt too intimate to me. It would have made me communicate feelings to Spock, and I hadn't been sure about laying my heart open before an unemotional Vulcan at the time.

But I had no qualms now. He had shown me his emotional depths and I found myself inadequate in comparison. *I* was the one with too much baggage. *I* was the one who couldn't support a friend. Hell, I almost let him commit suicide rather than tell him I cared. I had fallen way short in my test of friendship. What hope was there for me as a lover?

But here I was, being tested again. He trusted me enough to give me a second chance. Since it would most likely be the last, I couldn't screw it up. 

Not wanting to wake Spock, but needing to do something, I gently cradled him to my chest. 'I'm sorry, t'hy'la,' I said softly, trying the word out on my tongue. I felt awkward saying it. The VSA database had told me that what we had become was sacred to many Vulcans. But I had screwed it up, so I didn't deserve the honor of using that term.

I searched my mind for a word that was more humble but still suited what I wanted to convey to my bondmate. But being this open was an unfamiliar situation for me. I didn't know how to translate what I was feeling into Standard or any other language. I had always found my emotions easier to communicate using touch. So I laid my hand on my bondmate's cheek, letting his warm skin heat my hand.

Amazingly, as his heat seeped into me, I could hear the wind begin to whip outside our cave. I raised my head to look out and saw the sand swirling in what looked like a small tornado. For a moment I was frightened for our safety, but then I remembered where we were. We were in a meld, a meld that I had initiated somehow. But I didn't cause the sandstorm that was beginning to grow before my eyes.

There was only one other possible culprit. He was unconscious in my arms, or so I thought.

It seemed that not all of Spock was unaware. I watched with fascination as the whirling sand began to converge into a form. A rope began to emerge from the sand, in green and red. The symbolism of it was obvious. Vulcan and human, blood to blood, soul to soul. I held my breath as I watched the rope twine its parts together. Without being told, I knew this was an offering from Spock's mind. If I didn't take it, I wouldn't get another chance to be a part of him.

So I gently lowered Spock down onto the dirt floor of the cave. As I did, he shattered. It startled me for a moment until I remembered I had been actually holding the shield. But Spock's mind chose to give me a second chance, so the shield was no longer necessary. I could hold so much more of my bondmate if I dared to ask him.

And I wanted to ask with an intensity that overwhelmed me. I tried to touch the rope Spock had made in the sand, but it reared away from the cave entrance. 

Knowing that Spock now had control of the things I saw and felt, I stepped out of the cave and back into the Vulcan sunlight.

'I'm here, Spock! I'm here!' I shouted into the wind.

The reply, when it came, wasn't a voice. It was an action.

The rope that Spock had created fell to my feet, shining its ruby and emerald hues in the bright sun. I examined the rope, trying to see both ends of it. Some instinct told me those ends were connection points. Being attached to it could start another test, or make me reveal something embarrassing or painful. I didn't care. The desire, the need to feel my bondmate's presence had me trembling.

As I watched, the rope began to move. Slowly at first, it slid through the sand and coiled around my feet. I smiled. Even though I couldn't see him, I could feel Spock's presence in the rope. 'Go ahead.' I said softly. 'I'm here for you.'

The rope moved faster and more surely now, wrapping around my legs, my chest, my arms...until it had covered all of my body except my head. When the connection point faced me like the head of a snake, I suddenly realized what the rope was. Spock had recreated the bond from our memories, from our shared pain, but also from our shared joys. 

But Spock was afraid to enter my mind a second time. Although I had passed his tests, he knew he was risking his life and his sanity to be with me. Humans, after all, are nothing if not unpredictable. The end of the rope faced me, hovering, but not touching my face.

After a few minutes of watching him hesitate, I began to grow frustrated. I had almost lost him to my own stupidity. I'd be damned if I was going to let that happen a second time.

'Spock, t'hy'la, please!' I yelled. 'I can't help you, I can't *love* you if you won't let me be with you!'

Finally, the end of the rope aimed itself at me, and with a sound that reminded me of two sets of lips coming together, it attached itself to my forehead. I sighed in relief as I felt the bond begin to burrow into me as it had before, sending out those branches to gather my memories and feelings. I let it become part of me, and in reward, I was given a feeling of peace and a growing sense that Spock was with me in my mind.

The next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes to see my bondmate lying in my arms and watching me.

\----------  
end part 6  
\----------

'Spock.' I smiled down at my bondmate. 'How do you feel?' I made sure not to shift him much. I didn't want to reopen the wound in his heart. But when I listened to the bond, I didn't hear any signs of pain. 

Score one for the home team. Boy, was I glad Bones knew how to work miracles.

Spock confirmed my assessment as he tried to sit up. 'I am recovering adequately, Captain.' 

I wouldn't allow him to rise. I pushed him back down onto my lap. 'You need rest, t'hy'la.'

Spock's eyes widened as he heard me use that term. 'Jim...' He tried to sit up again, probably to protest.

'You can say whatever you want, Spock. I shouldn't be using that word, I know. I don't deserve to...' I pushed him back onto my lap again. 'You can scold me, berate me, whatever. But stay down before your wound starts to bleed again! You need to stay still. We almost didn't get here in time...' I was rambling, but I couldn't seem to stop myself. 

'It was not logical for you to come after me, Captain.' Spock protested. 'You should have let me die. I had become a burden to you.'

I shook my head. 'I was the burden, Spock. I was weighing you down. I didn't mean to hurt you like this.' I sighed. 'I'm lousy at relationships. I should have told you that before I let JT drag us into that room.'

'I am aware of your reputation, t'hy'la.' Spock replied, surprising me. I didn't expect him to accept me that easily. I guess he saw all he needed when we were inside our minds.

So I didn't move as he reached up to brush my hair off my forehead and said, 'I was prepared to guide you in the Vulcan way.'

'But I didn't let you. I pushed you away instead.' I lowered my eyes, expecting to be scolded for my lack of insight. 

But Spock surprised me yet again. 'Perhaps you were correct in doing so. The bond was not growing correctly. We were overburdening it. I...made a mistake that almost cost us everything.' He took my hand. 'I placed the bond upon another.'

'Another what? Another bond?' I stared at him as he nodded. 'What bond?!'

'The one that was created by our new friendship.' Spock caressed my hand gently. 'I should have used that bond as the foundation for the mating bond. I should have known we could be ni'var. The two that are one.'

'The rope...' I mused softly. 'That's why the rope has two parts.'

Spock nodded. 'I have attempted weave the two elements together. We are both friends and mates.' Spock examining my face carefully as he waited for my reaction.

'But I pushed you away...' I didn't understand. How did our friendship become a bond? Especially when I had been acting like an idiot?

I quickly found that this new bond was already stronger than the first, even though it was brand new. Spock could hear my confusion very clearly. 'Have you forgotten our chess games?' He raised that infamous eyebrow of his questioningly.

'Oh.' I blinked as I realized what he meant. Our discussions over the chessboard had started to bond us before his pon farr. 'No wonder it wasn't growing correctly. We had already covered the ground the mating bond was trying to pull from my head.

'Precisely.' Spock smiled softly, making my heart jump. The smile seemed to give him a glow. It transformed him so much that it had me growing hard in an instant. But I pushed my arousal to the back of my mind. He had almost died, for God's sake, I told myself. At least wait until he's recovered. 

Trying to calm my body, I looked over at Bones. He had fallen asleep waiting for us to come out of the meld. Poor McCoy. The last few months had been as rough on him as it had for us. It's not everyday your best friend goes from trying to kill a person to trying to climb inside him. Normally I would have reprimanded him for being lax. He was supposed to be watching us. But when I looked toward you and Savid, I saw a glint of metal in Savid's hand. A hypo. 

Your wink confirmed that McCoy's nap was no accident. Looking to the spot you pointed at, I grinned. I should have known you'd be monitoring us. I don't know how you slipped that tricorder under the rock without Bones seeing, but I'm glad you took the risk and put it there.

As for the message you left on it...you were right. Bones hadn't been getting enough sleep. None of us had since Spock's return to New Vulcan. 

Because of the age difference between us, I sometimes forget that you are me...until you pull a trick like that. 

By the way, I honestly appreciate the privacy that you gave us by knocking Bones out. But next time, warn me before you do that. I had to listen to him bitch about it for three days straight!

I chose not to tell Spock what you did, though. I wasn't sure he was ready to know why Bones actually needed that hypo. How exactly do you explain the concept of 'worrying oneself to death' to a Vulcan?

So I pretended McCoy had just drifted off on his own. 'We should let him sleep. He's probably worn out from that heart attack you nearly gave him.' 

'I did not wish to cause anyone distress.' Spock said quietly.

'I hate to tell you this, Spock, but you have been causing me distress since you left. And your death...would have completely destroyed me.' I laid my cheek against Spock's hair. 'Don't ever do that again. Please.'

Spock reached up to caress my shoulder. 'I no longer have a reason to pursue that course of action.'

'Good.' I sighed in relief.

After a few minutes of just being with Spock, I decided it was time to bite the bullet and face our problems. 'So now what do we do?'

'We should discuss our future.'

I shifted a little and leaned Spock back against me. As I did, it felt like the bond shifted as well. Somehow, it fell exactly into the spot the old bond had been. The connection then sealed itself into place with a nearly audible 'snap'.

I heard Spock chuckle in my mind as the bond shifted into place. He sounded relieved. Yeah, I was too. That snap reminded me of an old jigsaw puzzle and the sound the pieces made when you fit them together. It was a reassuring sound.

But my reaction to it confused Spock a little. 'You are...happy?' He sounded hesitant, like he wasn't sure how to interpret the signals he was getting from me.

'Duh. Why wouldn't I be?'

'I do not understand your happiness, Jim. You did not want the bond earlier. Why should having it back make you happy?' Spock looked at me critically. For a moment, I felt like a bug under a microscope. It made me squirm.

'I'm sorry about that. It wasn't you. It was me. I didn't want to hurt you because...well, because I'm a bit messed up.' I looked out into the lake. 'In fact, I hoped pulling away would make it easier on you.'

'It did not.' Spock accused softly, but without malice. In fact, his presence reached out to me, trying to reassure me that he was no longer angry.

I laid my arm across Spock's chest. 'Yeah. I figured that out.'

I smiled when Spock's hand traced the length of that arm. Before that moment, I didn't realize how much comfort you could get from a simple touch. And comfort is one thing we needed in spades. We laid there together quietly for what felt like a half-hour or so before we were startled by a figure coming toward us.

Damn, just when things were starting to look good for me, Sarek had to show up. And if I was reading that Vulcan face correctly, he was rather annoyed.

Now before I continue, you need to know something about our Sarek. Savid told me that he and his father had a rather strained relationship. Spock, however, was lucky in that regard. Although I wouldn't have wished his mother's death on him in a million years, it did have one good result: her men started talking to each other.

So it was a shock to see the Ambassador look towards us with that I-know-better-than-you expression that Vulcans do so well. But Spock must have been expecting trouble, because he stiffened in my arms. I tried to calm him through the bond, but as his father came closer, his agitation just seemed to grow.

'Spock? What?' I asked softly.

'I will not let him take you away from me.' Spock's voice was a low growl. His hand gripped the arm I had laid across his chest as if it were a shield to keep his father at bay.

'What?' I asked again in confusion.

'Sarek does not approve of my bond with you. You are male. An illogical choice, in his mind, as I will be unable to produce children.' Spock sighed in frustration. He didn't want to fight with his father, but the bond told me that he would do so to make sure I stayed by his side.

'What happened to that warrior bond that I saw in the database that Starfleet has?' I asked as I searched my mind for a solution that didn't risk his family relations. 

'That was long ago, Jim. And now, we are so few. Many people are saying that even the Kohlinar should give up their seclusion so our race can continue.'

'Dammit.' I sighed as Sarek continued heading towards us. 'Why can't you just...hand over some DNA?'

'Vulcans cannot become pregnant by artificial insemination.' Spock replied softly.

Sarek moved even closer to us. I was starting to fume as I watched him walk past your bench. How could he accuse Spock of making an illogical choice when even I could see that this was what Spock *needed*?

I don't know how long our doctor had been awake at that point, but by looking at his face, I could tell he had heard Spock explain Sarek's reasoning. I'm glad he did, because if I had gotten up at that point, I probably would have went after Sarek with my fists.

Of course, McCoy probably knew that from the the set of my shoulders. 'You two stay there,' he said quietly. 'Spock should stay off his feet for right now.'

My bondmate looked like he was ready to stand anyway, so I tightened the arm I had around him. 'Bones will talk to your father. He can handle it. He's a father himself.'

Spock nodded sympathetically. 'He misses his daughter. He does not often talk about her but when she is mentioned, he becomes rather solemn.'

'You noticed that too, huh?' I said softly as I watched McCoy intercept Sarek at the edge of the lake. 

'I wish to speak to my son.' Sarek said, trying to walk around Bones.

But the good doctor suddenly got this rather snarky look on his face and wouldn't let the Ambassador past him. 'Spock is busy at the moment, sorry.'

'Doctor, please.' 

'Not until you tell me why you would hurt your own son like this!' I could see the anger in McCoy's eyes. He thought Sarek's belief was hypocritical, considering the fact that he had married a human. I couldn't agree more.

'I did nothing.' Sarek raised an eyebrow.

'Of course not. That wouldn't be logical. Spock nearly *killed* himself because he didn't know how deal with a human *male* for a mate. But you couldn't advise him. Helping him would have meant accepting his choice!' 

Oh yeah, I'm continually amazed at the fierce loyalty Spock encourages just by being himself. Of course, Bones would never admit to that fact.

Sarek must have known he didnt have a leg to stand on because he suddenly looked very weary. For a moment, I could see the loving father who was just trying to help his son. But in the next moment, the Ambassador became the voice of logic once more. 'Spock did not come to me, Doctor McCoy. If he had, I would have done my best to advise him.'

A human father would not have let a small thing like not being asked stop him from dispensing marriage advice, but Vulcans tend to avoid all discussion of the subject unless asked directly. So why didn't Spock seek Sarek's advice? Logic would dictate that even if Sarek disapproved of his choice of *male*, he would have at least been able to help Spock deal with the *human*. I prodded the bond in search of a reason for Spock's complete avoidance of his father.

'I knew I would not be able to do so without Sarek attempting to find a healer who would remove you from my mind completely. He then would have tried to bond me to a female. Although I was willing to give you your freedom, once I failed the Kohlinar, I was not willing to live free of your presence.' Spock told me softly.

I tried to supress the shiver that his declaration caused, but Spock must have felt it. His hand tightened its grip on my arm, reminding me that I was able to get to him before he could act upon that choice. 

Without being told, Bones seemed to pick up on that fact that Sarek thought Spock was neglecting his duty to his people. 'I heard from Uhura that you didn't want Spock marrying a man. She said that you planned to disown him for his choice of mates.'

Now, her knowledge of the situation was a newsflash to me. I made a mental note to start listening to my communications officer more often, especially after she's had contact with New Vulcan.

Sarek said nothing to Bones' accusation, but I could see the truth on his face. He would have disowned Spock for his 'illogical' decision if it wasn't for the fact that both Spock and I were considered heroes. Damn him. 

In my anger, I accidentally tightened my arm around my bondmate until he grunted in pain. 'Sorry,' I whispered, but didn't let go. 

Of course, Bones saw the condescending look on Sarek's face. And as I expected, it made him see red. 'You bastard!'

He wasn't the only one having trouble controlling his anger. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that Savid had you by the collar. You looked like you wanted to choke Sarek. Oh, I'm sure I did too. 

Surprisingly, Spock seemed to be the only one unaffected by the insult his father just gave him. I think the fact that I was holding him took the sting out of Sarek's words.

Bones, however, was not so easily mollified. 'He needed you!'

'He sought the Kohlinar.' Sarek countered. 'He did not seek my aid.'

'Because he knew you'd turn him away!' Bones reached for Sarek as if to shake him, but I saw Savid bat his hand away with a scowl. Damn, that old Vulcan could move fast when he wanted to. 

Spock tried to hide his agreement with Bones' statement, but without shielding the bond, he couldn't.

I growled low in my throat. I may have been neglecting Spock when he went to the Kohlinar, but Sarek's crime was at least as bad as my own. I didn't feel guilty for wanting to defend my bondmate anymore. He accepted me with my faults.

After being given that gift, I was damned if I was going to let Sarek separate us.

But it wasn't me who had the final word on the subject.

Oh, I was ready to do battle when Sarek pushed past Bones and strode over to us. I glared up at the Ambassador, prepared to defend myself and my mate.

Sarek's eyes bored through me, ready to defend the welfare of his people.

But Spock, my bondmate, stopped the fight before it began with one sentence.

'I love him, Father.'

\-----------  
end part 7  
\-----------

I wasn't expecting Spock's statement to freeze the Ambassador in his tracks. You saw the look on my face. Between his stumble and my shock, Sarek and I looked like a 20th century cartoon. If I wasn't so mad at the man, I would have laughed.

Sarek, on the other hand, was completely composed when he faced his son. 'Your mother...' He started but did not finish, as if expecting Spock to fill in the rest.

'Would have understood my logic.' Spock finished the sentence rather smugly. 

After a few minutes of silence, though, Spock began to feel a little too vulnerable lying on the ground under his father's calculating gaze. So I moved my arm to free him from my embrace. Still in pain from his self-inflicted injury, Spock sat up carefully with a hand over his side. When he seemed to have difficulty standing, I stood and eased him onto the rock that Bones had rested on. Placing a knee beside his hip, I took a protective stance, ready to shield my bondmate if Sarek became irrational.

Luckily, the Ambassador did not lose his composure when his son began to refute him. He just shifted his focus to me. 

'But does he love you?' Sarek asked, looking down his nose at his son. As if he was the only Vulcan to ever know anything about love. I seethed, but I bit my tongue and clenched my fists at my side because Spock was asking me through the bond to trust him. At that moment, I vowed to do as he asked...even if it killed me.

Sarek didn't seem to notice my restraint as he continued chastising Spock. 'I would be remiss if I allowed you...' 

Luckily, he didn't get a chance to finish. Because my fist was just about to remind him of a few things he *had* been remiss about, like checking up on his emotionally overburdened son *before* he stuck a dagger in his heart.

'It is not your choice, Father.' Spock said curtly as he struggled to his feet. I knew I wasn't going to be able to stop him--this was a matter of pride--so I put my hands at his waist discreetly in order to help keep him upright. It gave my hands something to do other than beat Sarek to a pulp, or punish myself for the same neglect I was accusing Sarek of. 

I knew I did the right thing in holding Spock up when he sent me a thank-you through the bond, then gently chided me for being hard on myself.

After Spock's rebuttal, Sarek seemed non-plussed, as if Spock had said something he couldn't fathom. 'I am your father.'

'And he is my mate.' Spock replied quietly. I didn't have to ask which of us was more important to him at the moment. The look on his face said it all. 

It was almost painful to watch him in his joy. I always suspected that Spock might be the one to remind me how much of my bravado is an act. But I never expected him to do it while he was defending me to his father. My hands trembled slightly as I wondered how I could live up to the expectations Spock had for me. But again, my bondmate attempted to soothe me with a gentle wave through the bond. 

'Logic dictates...' Sarek straightened into that stiff stance all Vulcans have when spouting Surak's views; well, okay, all Vulcans except Spock. 

'Love is not logical. I will not attempt to constrain it so.' Spock couldn't straighten into a parade rest with my hands holding him up. Oh, you know, the one he tends to favor when he explains his logic. So he chose another course of action, a much more intimate one. He pulled gently on my arms and wrapped them around his waist. 

I stiffened a little at first, afraid that Sarek would see the display of affection as crude. But then Spock communicated his intent through the bond: he wanted to lean against me, and to hell with what his father thought. I nearly laughed out loud after I got over my shock of 'hearing' that from my oh-so-proper Vulcan.

Sarek watched us for a moment. Then, as if sensing he would get nowhere with Spock, he looked to me. 'Do you love him?'

I sighed, not knowing how to answer that question. Sarek had every right to ask me if his son was in good hands. The problem was I didn't know how good these hands were. I only knew that I wanted to give the feelings between us a chance to grow. 

'To be honest, sir, I don't know much about love. I could tell you that I love him more than anyone else, but I'm not sure what that would mean. As it stands right now, the only other people I've really loved are my mother and my brother. I do know that I care for him, very much. His death would have devastated me. But his life...well, even though we haven't known each other very long, his life has changed mine in a way that I never expected. He challenges me to be better than I think I can be. And he supports me in ways I would never have guessed were possible. I want to do the same for him. Is that love?' I shrugged. 'I don't know. But I'm pretty sure that if what I feel for him now isn't love, it will be sooner or later.'

Sarek must have seen the honest feelings in my face, because rather than giving me the rebuttal I expected, he simply nodded and directed his next comment at his son. 'You have made a choice your mother would have approved of.'

Spock inclined his head. 'He pleases me and I please him.' He squeezed my hand slightly as if to tell me the worst was over.

He was right in that assessment. Sarek seemed to calm down almost immediately after Spock's words. 'Then I cannot fault your logic.' I was amazed to see a hint of a smile pass over Sarek's face. 'Take care of him well, James. He is my only son. I would not have him hurt again.'

'I will, sir.' I said softly. But inside I worried. Was I good enough for this being who was willing to risk his relationship with his father for me?

Sarek was finally content with Spock's choice. So he nodded to all of us and left the way he came. 

I heard Bones sigh with relief as the Vulcan disappeared. 'You were lucky he didn't skin you alive.' He groused as I eased Spock back onto the rock next to us.

'In front of Elder Savid and his mate? Everyone knows Savid took a shine to Spock. Sarek wouldn't have embarassed himself by forcing Savid to defend us.' I pointed to where the two of you stood. You looked like a proud papa when you turned to grin at us. Savid looked...content. 

Bones, however, wasn't quite satisfied. He knew me too well. 'You talk like you weren't even a part of the discussion.' He examined my face, probably looking for signs of stress. 'You defended Spock on your own. You didn't need Savid.'

I shrugged. 'I didn't do anything. In fact, I almost made a mess of it. Hell, I couldn't even tell Sarek that I loved Spock!'

The calculating look that passed between Savid and Spock worried me for a moment. I wasn't sure of what it meant until Spock spoke. 'You will cease maligning my bondmate in this manner, Captain.' He was beginning to sound angry at me. 

'But...' I looked at Spock in shock.

My bondmate scolded me, as he should have. Hell, my insecurities were part of what had gotten us into this mess. 'You said nothing that could be construed as inaccurate or offensive. You instead told Sarek your honest assessment of your mental condition.' His words turned softer, more soothing as he continued. 'Although you are reluctant to do so, I will speculate that what you feel is very similar to love.'

'And if you're wrong?' I asked worriedly. Part of me still thought Spock was getting a bad deal here.

Spock pointed to you and Savid as evidence against me. 'I am not wrong.'

I stared at the two of you as if seeing you for the first time. You had made your relationship work, despite a very rocky start. Was Spock right? Were you the proof we needed that we would make it? It was disconcerting to realize my logical bondmate was putting his trust in fate. But I hoped he was right. Hell, we needed something to hang onto. If he could trust fate like that, I needed to give it a fighting chance.

I turned to Spock with a sigh and leaned my forehead against his. 'I'll do my best to remember that. But I can't guarantee that I won't get scared again.'

Spock gently ran a hand through my hair. 'We will deal with your fears together. You no longer have to face them alone.'

Now that the drama had ended, I suddenly felt exhausted. And I could see, by the pale color of his face, that my bondmate felt the same.

'We should go someplace where you can get some rest,' I said, laying a hand on his shoulder. 'Where would you be most comfortable?'

I could see Bones wanting to speak, to dictate where his patient should be, but I waved my hand to keep him silent. Whereever Spock wanted to be, that's where I would take him. The only catch was that he wasn't going alone, but I figured he already knew that.

Spock looked into my eyes as he replied. 'Would I be allowed to return home, Captain?' His voice was hesitant, unsure. I wasn't the only one still dealing with fears.

I probed the bond gently---damn, you wouldn't think I had been frightened of our connection yesterday by my reliance on it now. But then my whole life tilted on its axis within the past hour or so. I wasn't ready to question the changes in me, not yet. I needed to make sure Spock was well first.

What I found in Spock's head was encouraging. I was surprised to find that to him, home did not mean Sarek's house, New Vulcan, or even Earth. Home was where he was accepted for what and who he was. Home was where he had unexpectedly found friends, and even more surprising to him, a husband. Home was the Enterprise.

In that assessment, I agreed completely. 'Of course you can come home, t'hy'la. But you do realize you will have to deal with a lot of emotional humans seeking you out over the next couple days. You scared the living hell out of all of us. The crew will need to see for themselves that you are okay.' I warned him about the crew in case he wasn't prepared. I knew his calm facade had shattered long before he had thrust that dagger into his side. I didn't want him to attempt emotional control before he was ready to. It might cause him to relapse into the despair that nearly destroyed us.

'Do not worry, Jim,' Spock said, feeling my distress. 'I will be prepared to reassure the crew...' He paused. 'If I may have a day or two before I am put on public display.'

I nodded and started to gather our equipment in preparation to leave.

Bones figured that now would be a good time to speak. 

'I'll take you both off duty if you'd like,' he said to me, then turned to Spock. 'But you are defintely not to return to duty for at least three days. I want to make sure your heart has recovered from the shock before I let you on the bridge.' His crass tone did very little to hide his concern for the welfare of our first officer.

So although I could feel that Spock wanted to protest, I stopped him from doing so. 'It'll be better for us to take a few days together. You need time to recover physically and we need the time to adjust to each other.'

'You do not need to...' Spock started, but I wouldn't let him finish his statement.

'I do need to. I'm not screwing this up a second time.' I sighed, then put my arm around Spock again. I could tell we both needed the physical contact. 'We can spend the next two days in our cabins, or in the rec rooms, or wandering the ship. But we will do it together, I promise you.'

Spock inclined his head. 'I too prefer to be together, but I did not want to force you to be with me.' He looked up at me with a question in his eyes.

I shook my head in answer to his query. He did nothing to coerce me. 'My choice. We need to start somewhere.'

So we said our goodbyes to you with smiles instead of tears. You will never know how much your effort to rescue him means to me. Or maybe you do, I don't know. I could thank you for the rest of my life and it wouldn't be enough. 

So we started on the journey that would, I hoped, take us to a life very much like yours.

I probably should have asked you about your life with Savid before we left. Because on the first step of that journey, I ended up making the same stupid mistake you did.

I believed a Vulcan stream of misinformation. And because of that, I was ready to give up one of the greatest pleasures in my life in order to stay with Spock.

\----------  
end part 8  
\----------

I can see on your face that you know what happened. Yes, I fell for the Vulcan propaganda line. The only reason I'm not beating myself up about it is that it really wasn't my fault. I know the whole 'Vulcans don't lie' is a blatant lie itself, but damn, this one hurt one of their own. After this episode, I don't think I'll ever trust the Vulcan Science Academy again.

Yes, they actually put the words in that damned database. 'Vulcans mate every seven years.' I'm beginning to think a bunch of Vulcan mothers stuck that in there so their children wouldn't mate with off-worlders. It almost worked on us. 

How? Well, I was dumb enough to believe it. Hell, it was their database. It didn't occur to me they were hiding their true natures. Of course, I didn't have Spock looking over my shoulder at the time to explain exactly what those words meant. I had done the research alone to help me understand him. I was trying to avoid asking him embarrassing questions. 

No, the things you implied during our discussion of pon farr must not have sunk in far enough. Or I really am as dense as everyone thinks I am.

I nearly blew it. What? Everything! I nearly blew everything because I believed one sentence in a database!

I did it because I thought I needed to be considerate of Spock's physiology. Because of me, he had been through hell. I owed it to him to try things his way. I figured if he didn't need or want that part of a relationship, I could...find a way to do without.

That first day, it was easy. Because I needed to help Spock. I needed to get him back on his feet.

I spent a good part of the day helping him interact with the crew, who wanted to check on him, and running interference with Bones, who wanted to keep him in sickbay. And of course, I had to misreport the incident to Starfleet. That distracted me from my libido for awhile.

Things became more difficult when we finally ended up in his room later in the day.

Truthfully, through, when he first requested a change in sleeping arrangements, sex wasn't the first thing that popped into my head. Yeah, I know. I was shocked, too. But Spock was still so fragile that I worried about other things.

We were sitting in his quarters playing chess when he brought it up. 

As I let him, yes *let him* beat me for the first time, I found him attempting to catch my eye. To make it easier on him, I leaned forward as he struggled to find the right words. 'Would you consent to sharing a bed with me tonight? I do not wish to impose on you, t'hy'la, but the bond still needs time to grow.' 

I could see caution in his eyes, and worry. This wasn't the Spock I knew from before. Where the Spock I first met was confident and serene, this being was unsure of himself and anxious.

And it was my fault. Fuck.

Part of me knew that people don't recover from a suicide attempt in a heartbeat. Hell, for some, I was sure it took years. The sorrow that drives a person to that kind of desperation doesn't disappear easily. But the strength of the bond had pushed those thoughts aside when we had beamed back to the ship.

But even so, I made sure I was close to Spock when he was showered with the 'welcome backs' from just about every crew member we passed. Even though we had made it clear that Spock had been injured--to protect his privacy I said he had been attacked by an animal--there seemed to be a disappointed air among the bridge crew when I returned there to check in with them without him. They wanted him back where he belonged. Hell, so did I.

But as I watched Spock struggle with unfamiliar emotions, I now knew why Bones gave him those days off. It wasn't as much the injury to his flesh as the injury to the mind that needed to heal. I was just glad Bones found a credible excuse to keep me officially off duty as well--signs of Denebian flu--so I could help Spock start the process.

So when I sat in front of him and listened to him stumble over those words to me, to ask for something that as far as I'm concerned was his right, I found myself clenching my fists to keep me from punching a wall. 'You didn't want to impose?! God, I should have been the one you stabbed..'

'No!' Spock nearly yelled as he grabbed my arms. His reaction was fierce, like a lioness protecting her cub. It shocked me so much that I nearly fell off his desk chair. I wasn't used to being defended.

Ok, time to change the subject, Jimmy, I said to myself as I righted the chair. He already told you that he doesn't think of you as the problem here... 

So I held up my hands and looked Spock straight in the eye. 'Ok, ok, I'll stop maligning your bondmate. It's just...did you really think I *wouldn't* want to be with you?'

Spock shook his head as he leaned back. 'The ease of the new bond's creation proves that you wish to have contact with me. However, I was concerned for your privacy. I do not wish to intrude upon it.' He clasped his hands together as he examined my face. I think he needed to know that his request didn't offend me.

Taking a deep breath, I ran my hands through my hair and watched Spock watch me. 

'Jim?' Spock reached toward me. As his hand touched my shoulder, the bond sent a questioning murmur to me.

'Sorry.' I sighed. 'I'm still angry at myself for what I did to you.'

Spock stood as he contemplated my reaction, then he turned my chair so he could kneel in front of me and take my hands in his. His warm skin did what I could not: it pushed the guilt away so I could relax. He nodded approvingly as I squeezed his hands lightly. 'This self-punishment must cease, t'hy'la. Your feelings of guilt will not aid the bond's growth.'

'I know. I know. I'm trying to deal with them. It would be easier if you didn't tiptoe around me anymore. If I want privacy, I'll ask for it, okay?' I sat forward in the chair and coaxed Spock closer to me.

There's no need for that damned eyebrow. You don't do it as well as a Vulcan, anyway. I didn't plan to get him in that position. I didn't! I just wanted to be able to touch his face and hair. It had become a way to comfort both of us, one I didn't realize we picked up until that moment. 

I barely registered that Spock was on his knees until his breath was blowing on my stomach.

No, I wasn't that stupid! I did the first thing I could think of that wouldn't offend Spock. I imagined a small shield and stuck it over the part of the bond that seemed to send physical signals between us.

Of course Spock noticed. 'Is something wrong?' he asked softly, hesitation in his eyes again. I didn't even need to look into the bond to know he was searching his mind for what he did wrong.

I rushed to reassure him. I didn't want him to think I was backing off again. So, of course, I lied. 'It was that damned cake Janice made for you. It tasted good, but I think all that sugar gave me a stomach ache. I didn't want to cause you any pain, so I made the shield to protect you. Is it bothering you?'

'I would prefer you seek out Dr. McCoy and remedy the problem.' Spock said a little more firmly this time. I think my excuse worked. He knew how I struggled to not look weak to the crew. But it was his job to keep me on my feet, so he felt the need to argue with me.

I used his perception of my ego to my advantage for his own good, or so I thought. 'I'd rather let it settle on its own. Bones' griping at me might make it worse.' I winked at my bondmate with a small smile.

Spock raised an eyebrow, but he didn't push the issue. I don't think he wanted me to leave the room anymore than I wanted to. But I did need him to move from that very tempting position, so I coaxed him over to the bed so we could sit side by side. 

'Why don't we share your bed tonight?' I suggested, looking around at his artifacts from home...a home that no longer existed. This room was a haven for him, filled with memories of things he could no longer have. I wanted him to be here, to relax in this room he had made into his home. I wanted to give him all the comforts I could.

Spock agreed with a nod.

Although it wasn't very late, I could see the shadows under Spock's eyes, so I suggested we turn in. 

Knowing I'd need a barrier between me and Spock, I went back to my cabin and found the set of pajamas that a girl named Carol gave me when I went with her to her parents' place. What? You know who I'm talking about? Oh, I only went out with her a few times. She's stiffer and colder than Spock had ever been. 

But I figured the outfit was a must, even if it did remind me of the ice princess. I needed something to keep my arousal under control. 

After a cursory glance in the mirror--I looked like I was trying to wear my grandfather's clothes--I headed back to Spock's room. Luckily he turned down the heat for me, or I would have roasted in that get-up.

Spock was also covered from head to toe when I got there. But his nightwear was Earth-sky-blue silk, a gift from his mother. Like his uniform tunic, it somehow highlighted his skin and gave it a healthy glow. Already, I felt my resolve being undone. All it took was the sight of him. That small, pleased smile he sent my way didn't help either. 

My desire for my bondmate came back with a vengeance. I knew then that I was doomed to failure. I couldn't resist my attraction to him. It was like trying to resist the pull of gravity.

But I couldn't back out now, so I did the next best thing: I slipped into Spock's bed and under the covers as fast as I could. He must have been more tired than I realized, because he didn't comment on my hurried fumblings. He just slipped into bed next to me.

Now I don't have much experience in bed that doesn't involve sex or sleeping alone. So I laid on my back and looked toward Spock, searching his face for a clue. What did he want me to do? I had some experience with cuddling, but only under duress. And I wasn't sure I wanted to think about the people I slept with before Spock came along, anyway. 

I still didn't know what to do as I watched Spock settle into bed next to me. Thank God he took the decision out of my hands, or I might have stayed there all night, frozen in my indecision. 

He turned towards me and closed his eyes. Then he gently reached for me through the bond, and invited me into his mind. He wanted me to see the day's events through his eyes. I think he was hoping that he could help me get over my guilt that way.

We actually ended up helping each other. Yeah, I know. That's the way a relationship is supposed to work. I consider that night my first lesson.

As soon as i entered Spock's mind, I was bombarded by his emotions. He had been through hell and back that day, so the amount and intensity of them were considerable. I could see just by looking around that he didn't know how to handle them. They were too numerous and too intense for even a well-trained Vulcan to tame into logical order. But humans...we're so used to dealing with internal conflicts that I was starting to help him classify them even before I knew what I was doing. 

It was the right thing to do. I could feel his relief the minute I picked up the slack.

To help him identify his emotions and put them in that mental box of his, I let all of them flow into me. It was like feeling the waves at the edge of the shore. They rock you a bit, but by the time they get to you, most of the power behind them is gone.

The only thing impeding the flow of emotions was that small shield I had placed in the bond to hide my arousal. And the shield was so small that the feelings just ran around it.

So I let it there and focused on helping Spock sort through his turmoil. Now I'm no psychiatrist, but I think I did a lot for him just by being there, just by holding his hand both mentally and physically (though I don't remember when I physically grabbed for his hand). 

I was amazed at my bondmate's strength as I watched him as he examined each emotion, accepted it and put it in the box. The only one I didn't let him do that with was his joy. I wanted him to feel happy for a time, even if he could only express it when we were alone together.

After an hour of dealing with his reactions, we fell asleep curled around each other. I don't know how we ended up that way. In fact, I don't even remember coming out of the bond before drifting off. Is it possible to fall asleep during a meld?

I only knew we had reached for each other when I woke up the next morning and had to move away quickly before Spock woke up and misinterpreted my morning hard-on.

Okay, It wouldn't have been a misinterpretation. I did want him. But I figured he didn't want me, not physically at least.

And *my* misinterpretation was the one that nearly stopped the healing we had barely started.

\-----------  
end part 9  
\-----------

This fight between my conscience and my libido went on for about two Earth weeks. In that time, I slept in Spock's bed every night. Yes, in those stupid pajamas. And every morning, I pulled myself out of his arms before I acted out the dreams that had me biting my lip to keep from waking him.

It was well worth the trouble. Every day, he seemed a little more like his normal self. Hell, by the end of those two weeks, only those of us who knew what happened could see the lingering effects. I figured within a month or two, he'd be completely healed, physically and mentally. 

I was another matter. By that two week mark, I had begun to suffer from my self-imposed abstinence. As I said, my dreams haunted me. My subconscious was reaching out to him at every opportunity. To keep it from taking over, I spent many of our nights together awake. My abstinence made me jumpy, irritable...a real joy to be around.

Hell, I was so rattled that I had to leave the bridge three times on the day it all came crashing down. Yeah, I know that's a bad move for a commanding officer. But it's better than what I would have done if I had stayed.

The first time I left, it was because I almost yelled at Uhura when she had trouble establishing communications with the Starfleet station we were passing. It wasn't her fault. There was a political ruckus going on in there. I heard later that some diplomat tried to commandeer the station.

The second time, Scotty was having trouble with the engines. One of the crystals cracked long before it was due to. Of course, I couldn't ream his hide for something that was probably the fault of an incompetent clerk back on Earth. So again, I had to head for the turbolift. 

The third time, well, that was the clincher. I nearly yelled at Spock. Oh, because the yeoman he assigned to keep track of the donations we had for New Vulcan screwed up. She nearly threw out the medical vials because she couldn't translate the Romulan correctly. She thought the box said 'poison'.

The minute I found myself clenching my fists and contemplating using my first officer for a punching bag, I headed for the observation deck at a dead run. The assignment wasn't even his mistake. If I remember correctly, Sulu was the one who said she was good with languages.

But Yeoman Banyar's incompetence wasn't what was bothering me as I ran down there. It was the fact that Spock had been alone in the cargo bay with her. My bondmate had been alone with an attractive young woman. One who, a few months ago, I probably would have invited to my bed. 

In a matter of minutes, I had gone from being mad at what could have been a costly error to being insanely jealous of the girl, with the emphasis on the *insane* part. I thanked the stars that I had enough brains to get off the bridge before I took my emotions out on somebody. If the crew saw what was going on in my head, they'd never trust me again.

But I forgot that one member of the bridge crew *could* see into my head. No, we hadn't shielded our private thoughts in those two weeks. Other than the shield keeping my sexual arousal from him, there was no barrier between us. We just ignored the bond unless one of us deliberately sought the other's attention. I didn't really keep track of Spock's thoughts, even though part of my mind 'heard' them. I figured he was handling my thoughts the same way.

I was wrong. 

Spock strode into the observation deck about five minutes after I did. For once, he didn't even attempt to hide behind his mask of logic. I could read his emotions plain as day on his face. He was most definitely pissed at me.

'I do not deserve that accusation.' Spock growled as he approached me, his fists clenched at his sides. 'I would not betray your trust so thoughtlessly.'

Still irritated by my own problems, I snapped back at him without thinking. 'So, you'd wait until you had a plan to betray me?!'

Ever in control, my bondmate stalked me until I backed up against a window. 'That type of betrayal is part of *your* repertoire, not mine, Captain.' 

When Spock growled in my face, I finally gave into the irritation that had dogged me all day. I took a swing at him. But Vulcan reflexes are too quick for humans to fight against. He grabbed my arm and threw me away from him before my fist made it anywhere near his face.

Well, of course, all he did was make me madder. I threw a few more punches to try to make my point, but all of them were blocked by that pointed-eared bastard. Instead of punishing him for a crime he didn't commit, I soon found myself trapped between a window and a hot Vulcan body.

'Why are you doing this to us, Jim?!' Spock growled. 'Why do you deny us the release you need?' As his gravelly tone hit my ear, he spun us around and lowered me to the floor, again restraining me with his own weight. I stared up at him in surprise. It never occurred to me that he'd use the bond to find out why I was keeping that tiny shield in place. But I guess he couldn't find the reason behind my abstinence. Hell, my head is a mess at the best of time. He probably got lost in it.

With his hot, hard body bombarding my senses, it took a few minutes until I could form a coherent answer. 'You don't need me,' I choked out, trying to keep my body from straining up into his. But I was fighting a losing battle and I knew it. My arms came up and around him even as I tried to resist his unconscious seduction.

Or maybe it wasn't unconscious. At my words, his body shifted, tensed, and lost just a little of the power it had over me. 'You are my mate. How could I not need you?' Spock's face slowly went from fiercely angry to puzzled as he realized I believed what I was saying. 

Even though Spock was no longer trying to push me to the edge, I was still lost in the heated reactions he had caused, so my reply was more honest than I intended. 'It's not time for your pon farr. The fire inside me can't reach you...' Part of me knew I sounded delirious, but I was beyond caring.

Luckily for me, Spock did care. 'That is not true. Who told you this falsehood?' I could feel him probing the bond for an answer, but my thoughts must have been too jumbled for him to make heads or tails of them. So he shook me lightly. 'Jim, who told you this lie?!'

'The database.' I groaned as the movement had his thigh sliding against my cock. 'The VSA database.' My body trembled as I tried to get the words out.

Then suddenly, the heat left me. I watched in mute shock as Spock smoothly rolled off me and stood up. Without sparing me a glance, he strode to the computer in the corner.

If I hadn't let my consideration of Spock's needs keep me from taking matters into my own hands over the past couple weeks, I probably would have chased after him. But because he had needed the bond open to help his recovery, I had decided I could be completely celibate until he was better. So now, I was so aroused that it would take me a few minutes until I could get my body to start responding to my commands again. So I ended up just laying there as Spock checked the database. 

I was even more shocked when I heard him swear. 'Lunikkh ta-vik!' 

I had no clue what the term meant, but from his tone, I could tell he didn't like what he found on that console. But he seemed to take it in stride. After taking a minute to calm down, he turned toward me and commanded the ship's computer to lock the door to the deck. His voice was calm, but I could hear a determined clip to it.

Still not able to get my body to do what I wanted, I struggled to a sitting position. 'Spock?' I looked up at him and I knew my desperation was reflected in my eyes. I needed him, badly. 

Spock knew it too. That became plain to me as he started undressing in front of me. 'Whomever created that entry in the database does not have a proper understanding of Standard. It should read 'Vulcans can only procreate every seven years.'' He paused after taking off his tunic to give me a stern look. 'I appreciate the care you were showing me by choosing to be sexually abstinent, but it is unnecessary. Further, it has become harmful to you.' 

My mouth fell open as he let his pants drop. I could only hope I didn't look like a complete fool as he continued his tirade. 'I will not allow this to continue. Your health and well-being are as important to me as my own. What will convince you of this? I grow weary of fighting you in order to care for you,' Spock said with a hint of exasperation. 'You are not the 'fuck-up' you so vehemently accuse yourself of being. You are the respected captain of this ship and you are my husband.'

I tried to answer him, to protest that he was bound to be disappointed by me sooner or later. But I couldn't get the words out. It's just as well, because Spock didn't seem to want my argument. To make his point, he bent down to cover my lips with his own.

As my body began to respond to his attention, Spock laid down next to me and gently started stripping me. 'You are loved, t'hy'la. You no longer have to fight your difficulties alone. As you have helped me battle mine these past days, I will help you defeat yours.'

Somewhere in my twisted mind, Spock's words drove me to remember Frank. Frank and his fucking opinions. A lot of my insecurities centered around the harsh words he threw at me when he found out I had joined Starfleet. 

'What did you do that for?' he had asked in a derisive tone. 'All you're going to do there is screw up a good thing.'

Part of me was afraid that his words were prophetic. At that moment, I was convinced I would screw up this good thing...or that I already had. My arousal started to plummet. Thoughts of Frank always do that to me. But then Spock shifted under me and my body instantly went hot once again.

'You did not,' Spock said sharply, reading my thoughts through the bond. 'You showed me the depth of your regard for me.'

'Huh?' I tried to shake myself out of my aroused state for a minute so I could focus on Spock's words.

Then, as if he knew I needed it, my bondmate gave me something to hang onto. 'You showed me your love.'

Suddenly, my world righted itself. He knew. He knew I loved him. I hadn't even admitted it to myself yet, but he had figured out what this whole fiasco was about. And he treasured the revelation. I could feel his joy through the bond.

I let out the breath I had been holding. As it rushed out of me, it sounded like a sob.

Spock must have heard it, because he ran a hand down my back before kissing me again. Then he tapped gently on that small barrier still between us. 'Remove the shield hiding your responses from me, t'hy'la. Please. I wish to feel the fire that you spoke of.' This was whispered in my ear. 

'It's weak compared to yours.' I replied, feeling a little worried. Pon farr is such an overwhelming event that just about everything pales in comparison.

Spock cradled my face in his hands so he could stop me from turning away. 'Do not compare what you feel to my time. That is a drive I cannot control, that I *want* to control because of the dangers inherent in it. Your fire, however, is safe, and yet it is very powerful. Even with the shield up, I can feel the emotions that created it.' He kissed my forehead gently. 'I am humbled by the devotion and caring that I have inspired in you.' 

He shook his head as he thought about what we had become. 'I had always wondered how my parents' relationship survived. To Vulcan eyes, it appeared grossly unequal.' He kissed me again, this time on the lips. I could tell he was trying to draw my arousal completely to the surface. 'I no longer wonder.'

Even though I now knew he wanted the same things I did, I still found myself hesitating. After feeling the emotions inside him, I wasn't convinced what I felt would ever be enough for him.

But yet again, my musings began to make my bondmate angry. 'I will be forced to use Dr. McCoy's epithets if you do not cease this nonsense.' Spock growled as he pulled my hips down to collide with his own. 'Is this the proof you seek?'

My leg bumped against his arousal, his very solid arousal. I groaned as he pulled me into the bond, trying to get me to let go of that barrier between us. And he didn't play fair. My passionate Vulcan sent caressing waves through the bond as his hands roamed my physical body. Within minutes, I was so aroused by his attention that I would have stood on my head to make sure he didn't stop.

Then I realized I couldn't feel Spock's arousal through the bond with the shield between us. So now it became a major annoyance. I ripped the damned thing away just as his mouth devoured mine.

And the result of that small adjustment? God, I never had sex like that before, not even during Spock's pon farr.

As soon as the shield disappeared, we were caught in a constant feedback loop. My arousal fed his, his touches had me searching for those same spots on him, to give him the same pleasure. And the bond...God, I felt like I was drowning in Spock's joy, and I *never* wanted to come up for air.

For the first time in my life, I was actually disappointed when my body couldn't take anymore. The orgasm paled next to the sensations and emotions that caused it. But I wasn't Vulcan. I couldn't sustain that kind of intensity for very long.

Not that Spock looked displeased. In fact, when we finally let ourselves rest, I saw that he was a bit winded by the experience. And his rather dazed expression made me laugh. 'You were the one who was sure this would be better than last time.'

'Ah, but you exceeded my expectations. In fact, you have been the source of much of my amazement since you boarded this ship.' Spock let his mouth lift in a small smile.

I grinned back. 'I hope I can keep that up for the rest of my life.'

'I have no doubt that you will, t'hy'la. For I know that I have become the consort of a man destined to be a legend.'

'So have I.' I caressed the point of Spock's ear. 'So have I. And I'm already completely amazed by you.'

Of course, we continued amazing each other for the rest of that afternoon right there on the observation deck. Scotty forgave me for the unexpected conn duty after he saw our faces later that day. It was obvious to everyone on the bridge what had happened. 

How did they figure it out so easily? I couldn't keep that damned goofy grin off my face. It's just as well, I suppose, because then we didn't have to sneak around and try to hide what we were to each other.

Hell, it worked in our favor a couple times. Nobody thought anything about us standing a little too close together. So we used that fact when we had to pass things between us that weren't meant to be seen--usually by the admiralty.

Yeah, they're not exactly our best friends, either. Starfleet Command wasn't too thrilled to find out it had a bonded couple as the heads of its precious flagship. All the higher-ups were pissed, except for Archer. He seemed rather tickled by the whole thing. Scotty said that was because he had dated T'Pol. After seeing you and feeling the changes in me that come with a Vulcan bond, I don't believe it. The rumors about her and Trip Tucker, however...

Okay, okay, yeah, I'd rather not think about it either. So, back to what I was saying. The higher-ups weren't too happy. But they couldn't do anything about it, not without losing about 400 people. Oh, yeah. The whole crew threatened to quit if we were removed from the Enterprise.

It was hilarious...and a bit frightening. Bones and Nyota were ready to lead the revolt if Command didn't come to its senses. I wouldn't put it past those two to blow up the Golden Gate Bridge to make their point...

Luckily for the citizens of San Francisco, though, Komack and the others saw reason. Especially after Sarek came down upon their heads. 

I'm not kidding! Have you ever seen a Vulcan 'storm a castle'? You don't want to get in his way, trust me.

In any other story, I guess this is the point where they'd say 'and they lived happily ever after.' But you know how our lives work. A more appropriate ending would probably be 'and the adventure continues.'

So how about we start our next adventure over lunch? I was just poked. Spock's heading over to the Hall of Elders and wants me to meet him there. 

You were summoned for lunch too? One of them must have seen us talking together. 

Yeah, I think they're trading notes about us. I can hear Spock asking Savid about how to deal with me when I get stubborn. Why? Because I refused to let him 'take care of my needs' yesterday. He broke a couple of ribs rescuing people from a mudslide on Deneb III. No, I wouldn't even let him pleasure me through the bond. I have a habit of grabbing him when the feelings in the bond get too intense. I was afraid Bones would read me the riot act if he found out I had undone his work.

Now why didn't I think of that? Tying him to the bed would definitely keep him from reinjuring himself....

Do you mind if I stop by the next time we're here? I needed that kick in the head when Spock was going through pon farr. I'd be glad to hear any other advice you might have for us. 

Thanks. Yeah, I'll make sure I comm first. I'd rather see *my* Vulcan naked. You can have yours all to yourself.

Yeah, you're right, we'd better get going. They probably won't eat a thing until we get there. Savid monitors your eating habits, too? Then let's hurry up. We wouldn't want them to worry about us starving to death.

Oh, I don't care if he uses the bond to keep track of me. I wouldn't close it now unless it was to protect him.

Yes, he knows I would do just about anything to keep him safe. I've learned to quit hiding my feelings behind my attitude. Oh, he's been a very good teacher. Odd, isn't it, given the fact that he hides his emotions from everyone else?

It all comes back to the bond. That connection in our heads constantly reminds me of my place in the universe. It helps me remember I am not alone and that I am loved. Given my past, I'll probably need to be reminded for the rest of my life.

You know, the Vulcans forgot one definition when they created the term t'hy'la. Spock is definitely my lover, my brother, and my friend. But it's the one they forgot that means the most to me.

He is my life.

\-------------------------------  
end part 10, story, and series  
\-------------------------------

Note: In Vulcan, lunikkh ta-vik means poisoner of wells.Note: In Vulcan, lunikkh ta-vik means poisoner of wells.


End file.
